The press falsely called it “The UK Disney” 6 years ago and it’s been plagued with setbacks ever since. It was originally planned under the name “Paramount Park” and would feature movie and TV themed attractions along with world class rides. Obviously it all went to shit but it’s been announced The London Resort will finally open in 2024 so will it be a disappointment or a success?

Now, compared to other Theme Parks around the world, the UK seems to trail behind the likes of Disney, Universal, Europa Park, PortAventura, Efteling but it’s nothing against the parks we have here. We have crap weather, awful opening times, strict health and safety regulations (I agree with this one) and council restrictions. This isn’t the parks fault and we are very restricted overall.

Does London really need another Theme Park?

London seems to get everything. It has Legoland, Thorpe Park, Chessington, London Dungeons, The London Eye, Hyde Park Winter Wonderland and The Natural History Museum, so its a kick in the balls for everyone else in the UK when London gets yet another tourist attraction. On the flip side, London seems to be the tourist hub and generates the most holidaymakers. A problem with this could be less tourists due to Brexit but I’m sure there will still be a hefty amount of people coming from abroad to check out the red busses, black cabs and to see wether we do all wear bowler hats and drink tea constantly.

What needs to happen during opening hours?

Lets start with the actual opening hours. To make this the premier Theme Park in the UK, they need to open decent hours. I’m talking approximately 10am-10pm all year round. Disney operates all year and if there’s to be a genuine comparison between the two, The London Resort needs to cater as a genuine resort with all day rides and shows. Obviously they need to take term time into consideration but they could use park closed season to their advantage by offering rides and attractions as there’s next to nowhere open from November to March.

Ticket Prices?

Lets be fair, ticket prices are not cheap and London in general isn’t cheap so expect a £60-£80 day ticket fee and maybe a £200 season pass. Don’t forget inflation so it could cost more at opening.

Rides?

Its way too early to be thinking about rides but the park needs to sit in between family and thrill to maximise audience. We all know the UK lacks in the dark ride department so I could see a bunch of dark rides and walking attractions along with maybe 2 large scale coasters, themed flat-rides for all ages and a few family/junior coasters.

Attractions?

Hopefully they can have Halloween horror mazes using Paramount IP’s such as Friday the 13th etc and have movie themed shows in a theatre building (Similar to PortAventura).

Parades could be trialled for the first year of operation but I see this less likely due to the crap weather and extra costs.

Will it be built by 2024?

I very much doubt it but would love to be proved wrong.

Final Thoughts?

If this park is to be a huge success and to be taken as seriously as Disney, they need to be at the top of their game. The idea of The London Resort is fantastic but I’m afraid I don’t think it’s going to raise the bar for other UK theme parks.

It’s been a year since I started having an interest in rollercoasters/Theme Parks and i honestly believe I’ve come a long way.

Ive written this story before but here’s what’s happened in the last 12 months.

A year ago I was terrified of big rides in general. I’m talking shit inducing fear but I wanted to push through and at least give it a go. It actually started July 2018 in Butlins, Minehead which is weirdly the same place I rode my first (and only) rollercoaster back in the early 00’s. Back to 2018 and that horrible/jolty Zamperla Dragon powered coaster has long gone and the main thrill I had my eye on was the Space Bowl flume at the Splash Waterworld pool. I’d never done a big water slide before (even though I was 29 at the time) and needed a sense of thrill in my life. I didn’t want to be ruled by anxiety anymore so I took the plunge and had a huge sense of accomplishment. It’s weird to think i wasn’t adventurous in my youth (except playing music and going to gigs) but when I settled down with a family It REALLY made me realise what I’d been missing. Life got stagnant with the same routine day after day and it was pretty grinding.

After the trip to Butlins I started watching water slide videos on YouTube to have something to work towards/get excited about, but along the way I discovered a channel featuring a geek from the midlands vlogging at theme parks. I was immersed from the start, taking in as much information as I could and next thing I knew, I was a fan of Theme Park Worldwide. At first I still didn’t have the bottle to ride anything but enjoyed seeing all of these fantastic places.

As the months went on I decided to break out of this fear and tackle it head on. I boarded my first coaster as an adult in October 2018 and haven’t looked back since. I set a goal in January 2019 to ride a coaster with inversions. This was something that wouldn’t even be considered 12 months previous, let alone get on The Smiler (which for those that don’t know, has the world inversion record at 14). It’s been nuts and a huge personal achievement. I know it’s nothing compared to enthusiasts but in 12 months I broke through anxiety and didn’t let it dictate my life for the first time.

I’m now close to 20 coaster credits (which I’ll get to next month) and I’m ready to lose the fear forever.

It’s easily my number 1 coaster. Now, I’ve only been on a handful of coasters but Wicker Man is my personal perfect ride. It’s not too intense but has enough intensity to thrill anyone over 1.2m and the theming, my golly the theming is incredibly good. I know people rather bigger and badder wooden coasters but to me it’s bang on the money and is the perfect mix of fun and immersion.

So did it live up to the hype? I honestly believe it did. The whole experience is completely different to anything else in the UK and you are immersed from the moment you walk through the entrance to the time you step off the ride. I think it will set the standard in the future and show other parks the true potential of a full experience rollercoaster. That’s why US parks don’t interest me very much. They are all about the size and elements of rollercoasters but they really lack on theming and immersion. The pre show and the queue alone is enough to make me want more.

My only problem with the ride is the structure effects. The first ride I ever had on Wicker Man only had the screens turned on and a small gust of mist. The last time took a ride was much better because all of the effects were turned on including the fire and the “mist” was actually full blown fog. It was fantastic. I know why people are bored of it already but if you ride any rollercoaster dozens of times, it’s going to get boring.

All in all I think it’s a perfect addition to the park and is my favourite Secret Weapon coaster. It may not be big but it packs a punch.

I can’t wait to go back to Alton Towers and get back on this gem of a coaster next season.

😦

 

So I got back from Alton Towers last night and I’m pretty damn tired today. Got home around 10PM l (stopped on the way home for an hour). The worst part was setting my 4:30am alarm ready for work. I’m currently typing this out on my phone whilst on break. 😂

As I’ve said a few times before, I’m new’ish to the community and up until last year I had only been on one rollercoaster. Literally one at 29 years of age. This was mainly to do with me being shit scared of heights and force. The good thing though, is over the last 12 months of being into Theme Parks, I have been able to experience fantastic rides and attractions for the first time as an adult and experience the magic for the first time in general.

The first time I went to Alton Towers was back in April (2019) and needless to say, I was still shitting it. I only managed to get on Wicker Man, Nemesis, Octonauts and Runaway Mine Train but the first two were the rides I’ve been waiting months to experience. Fast forward to yesterday (with a few new creds in between) and I’m back, ready to take on some new rides with just me and my wife.

Yesterday was fantastic from beginning to end. Despite the wet weather, we knew the rides would be slick and hopefully the queues weren’t going to be too bad.

-WICKER MAN-

In the car on the way to Alton, I saw the news that Wicker Man was closed at park opening. This did worry me a bit but literally as we got into the park at 11:15am and had a stroll through Mutiny Bay Wicka Lad just opened, so we were extremely lucky to get into a 10 minute queue and have an extremely immersive ride on one of the best experiences in the country. All of the effects were on and the coaster itself was hella fast due to the rain. I love this coaster and it has the perfect balance of thrill and immersion. 10/10

-NEMESIS-

After taking the Skyride to Forbidden Valley, we were planning on riding Galactica as neither of us have been on it before. Unfortunately it was closed but they were running a test train. A friendly member of staff asked if we would try another ride and come back later so we decided to have a go on Nemesis. My wife was shitting herself as she had never experienced an inversion before.

So I had a problem with my restraint. Being a larger man, I tried with all my might to get my restraint down. Even the member of staff couldn’t click me in (I got on fine in April and I haven’t gained any weight since then. 😭). I got in the fat bastard seat, clicked in and we were off. Wow this ride still packs a punch at 25 years old and it’s still smooth. Nemesis is my favourite steel coaster and it fully deserves the recognition it gets. My wife really enjoyed her ride too despite the small panic at the start.

-GALACTICA-

As soon as we got off Nemesis, Galactica was open so we decided to take our first ride on this B+M flying coaster. Guess what? I couldn’t get clicked again so back to the fat bastard seat I went. (I want to say, the staff were so helpful throughout the day and got me on all the rides. I will lose weight for next time because that was embarrassing.). So we took a ride and it was so strange. I loved it but the sensation is unlike anything else I’ve been on. It was a comfortable ride and thoroughly enjoyable.

-RITA-

Couldn’t fit in the test seat so wasn’t going to wait 40 minutes to get the walk of shame.

-TH13TEEN-

Ah, a nice lap bar. I never get problems with lap bars. My legs and arse aren’t that big. It all goes to my upper body. I’d like to think it’s all muscle but unfortunately it’s not. 😂

So this was my first ride on Th13teen and it really was brilliant. We were sent to the back row (yay) and took our seats. The turn out of the station was nippy and that first drop. No one ever talks about the first drop and I’ll tell you, the airtime on the back row was great. The rest of the ride was short and whippy with some nice elements. Heading to the grand finale I kind of expected a forceful drop and didn’t get any airtime on the way down but it was fun. The backwards section in the dark was good and felt quite fast. Overall a great ride but I did expect the drop track to be less gentle.

-HEX-

Good cycle but the music wasn’t as loud. Still an immersive mad house with a fantastic story. Definitely one to try if you’re high. 😂

-OBLIVION-

My wife wouldn’t come on with me so I got front row in the middle (fat boy seat of course). The anticipation is worse than the drop.

They were firing trains out at rapid speed which kept the queue down. It was walk on so i thought I’d give it a try and it didn’t disappoint. Looking into the big ol hole at the top was a proper arse in mouth moment. As soon as you drop it’s nothing but adrenaline all the way. My ride photo was horrific. My face looks like I’m taking a big poo.

-THE SMILER-

Yet again, the staff were brilliant getting me into my fat fuck seat. I took to the single rider queue as my wife sat in the smoking area vaping away. To be honest, it was getting close to closing and we were both a bit tired at this point so I don’t blame her.

So this ride rates highly among many enthusiasts and I just don’t see why. I hated it. It looks fantastic but it’s so rough. I know there are rough seats and non rough seats but surely the key to a great coaster is consistency? It was jittery from the beginning, It made me dizzy, I hate the vertical lift hill and those last few inversions really throw you (not in a good way). I will say one good thing though… The airtime hills are fantastic and were the best part of the ride.

-CONGO RIVER RAPIDS-

We headed to Katanga Canyon to ride the rapids. It was pissing down with rain so the queue was non existent. My Mrs got the KFC megawave and most of the splashes. It was most excellent.

-WICKER MAN (again-

We ended our day the same as we started it with a ride on my number 1 coaster and holy shit, it was way faster than our first ride. It was raining most of the day and managed to warm up so it was extra speedy, slick, intense and extra foggy. It was the best ride I’ve had on it so far and with all the effects working was a 10/10 ride experience.

So after doing the usual pay for parking, decide to walk to the car because the monorail had a huge queue, regret the decision when it rains harder, we were finally on our way home (though we did have a stunning Chinese meal on the way home).

Right, I’ve done over 1200 words now. I’m off, bye

Luke

It’s time for another shitty blog so I’ll keep this one short.

Summer is here and let’s be fair it’s hot, humid and sweaty out there so keep hydrated. I don’t mean fizzy drinks either. Take plenty of water with you and make sure you take small but frequent sips throughout the day.

Dont skimp our on the sun cream either. The last thing you want is sunburn (or something worse).

if you take small children, make sure they wear a hat (along with the other points).

Its easy to forget these standard procedures when you’re out having fun so be safe and don’t be a dick.

 

Luke

This theme park has been on my bucket list for a while and certainly lived up to the hype.

The location was fantastic, like many UK theme park’s Paultons Park is situated in the middle of nowhere (apart from a small town and a pub outside the entrance). It was super easy to get there and even my satnav decided to work properly and take a decent route. The journey was stress free (apart from my kids constantly talking throughout the journey) and took around 2 hours from Gloucestershire.

Parking was easy with staff directing people to their spaces. I like this touch. As much as I like picking a place to park, it really shows the great organisation and keeps the car park tidy. Parking is also FREE which is a huge bonus. We didn’t get on site until around midday and expected it to be a pain in the arse to get parked but luckily we weren’t too far from the entrance.

The entrance is clean and modern with a huge Paultons Park statue sign and a weirdly beautiful tree based water fountain to greet you. Turnstile staff were very friendly and it was quick and easy getting in with minimal queues. The first building you enter features a restaurant and a huge toy shop so if you have kids, I suggest giving that a miss until you go home.

The first area you come to is a beautiful garden. It’s incredible how much attention to detail is put into this area with perfectly sculpted hedges, bushes, flowers and trees giving you a relaxed atmosphere and a perfect place for a picnic or explore.

The first ride of the day was the Raging River Ride which is a bright coloured log flume situated outside Lost Kingdom. This is the first log flume I’ve been on in a long time and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The yellow and blue colour really doesn’t suit the ride but the actual experience was great. It’s a two drop special and the second big drop is definitely a soaker, perfect during hot weather.

We headed to Lost Kingdom which is the dinosaur themed area and I can easily say that it’s the best themed area in the country. Paultons really took care and attention to detail creating this stunning area. It’s filled with animatronic dinosaurs, rock work and a fantastic ambient soundtrack to create a fantastic family atmosphere. The two main rides in the area are Flight of the Pterosaur which is a Vekoma suspended family coaster and Velociraptor which is a Vekoma family boomerang coaster. Both of these are very good coasters and though neither are big, they offer a fantastic family thrill. Flight of the Pterosaur is easily my favourite ride in the park and is in my personal top 5 coasters. It’s incredibly smooth, the theming is fantastic and has a pretty forceful helix at the end. Velociraptor really took me by surprise. It’s the same model as Accelerator at Drayton Manor but ‘Raptors layout is so much better. I won’t bore you with the layout but feel free to look it up. It’s actually quite intense after the drop and had a smidgen of airtime over the station.

After these, my wife and step daughter decided to ride Temple Heights. It’s essentially a Miami fun fair ride but much slower and is actually themed. It’s a great ride for younger guests and looked pretty relaxed.

Dinosaur Tour Co is a tracked jeep safari ride which has onboard audio, dinosaur animatronics and gorgeous design. It is a great little ride for all ages but unfortunately for us, the audio wasn’t in sync at all but was still great regardless.

Finally in Lost Kingdom was Dino Chase which is a Zierer kiddie coaster. This is a great little coaster and my 22 month old son’s first credit. It’s only a short layout but it’s quite nippy and my son was giggling throughout the 3 laps.

Okay, I have one bad thing to say about the park. The WiFi is shockingly bad. I wouldn’t normally be bothered but there is no 4g signal at all for me so WiFi is needed incase I need to contact my wife or I want to check queue times via the app (there’s only 1 queue time board in the park). This isn’t a huge deal but I only got WiFi once on park and needed to find my wife through the crowds of people.

Quick toilet break then a trip to Peppa Pig World. It was every kids dream and every parents nightmare. They should rename it “Peppa’s Buggy World”. It was rammed with parents and small children (as expected). The theming and audio was on point throughout the area. We had a ride on Grandpa Pig’s train and the Queens flying coach and they were both great rides for young kids. My family went on Peppa’s balloon ride and they gave it positive reviews. Literally every other ride had a 30+ minute wait which is fine but my son wouldn’t want to wait that long so we headed to Critter Creek. This was a nice small area but not as nicely themed as Peppa or Lost Kingdom. We only went on one ride here as it was approaching the end of the day. This was the Cat-O-Pillar coaster. This was pretty much a large version of Dino Chase (with a better layout and a great first drop). The ride theming was quite good, with alice in wonderland inspired statues dotted through the coaster.

After this excellent day we decided to have a quick look in the main shop at the exit. It was great for kids but offered no Paultons Park merchandise apart from the usual pens, pencils, rubbers and notebooks. It’s okay though because I purchased a photo pass which gives you 4 ride photos/Keyrings. I only used 3 photos but you can use the pass until next year. This pass was £25 (single photos are £10 each) so I still saved £5.

Overall, it’s a brilliant park with a bright future. I can’t wait to see Tornado Springs next year and I know if they carry on expanding as rapidly as they are, it will be one of the biggest/best theme parks in the UK in the next 10 years.

Thanks for reading.

Luke

First of all I want to mention that this is just an opinion and not fact. I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m wrong.

Okay, Disney. One of the biggest companies in the world claims to bring magic and happiness to all and I just don’t buy into it. Back in the early/mid 90’s even I would watch your standard Beauty and the Beast, Toy Story, Lion King movies but like most things i kinda grew out of it. Getting older and finding new hobbies made me realise that all the fairytail stories, happy endings, magical experiences were complete bollocks. I know that it’s an escape for a lot of people but as a bitter 30 year old I just can’t stand the fake smiles from a major corporation.

We cant forget Disney has bought so much of its competition such as Marvel, Star Wars and 20th Century Fox. It genuinely feels like they are taking over the entertainment industry and it’s kinda scary. It’s such a big company that it has the evil corporation vibe you get from movies. Like they are brainwashing people. I’ve seen the severity of obsession towards Disney online and I can honestly see where they draw people in. At the end of the day, they are a business and they know how to make money. In all fairness they could make a Mickey Mouse out of human turd and it would sell.

Maybe I’m thinking too much about this but having Tangled and Moana on constantly in my household gives me mini rage, along with it being impossible to avoid anything including Disney, Star Wars or Marvel in public. Everywhere you go Disney gets shoved in your face. From toys to shower products and even breakfast cereal, you can’t get away from the brand.

Just a reminder* These reasons are why I personally don’t like Disney but I appreciate a lot of people do. Everyone has a different taste/opinion and that’s cool.

I read a story yesterday where a father was refused permission by Disney to put Spider-Man on his son’s grave and it really saddened and angered me. I know not everything you read on the internet is true but it was from a reputable news source. The story really hit home because I have a young son and would be devastated if I was in the same position. It shows that Disney is a full blown cash cow who doesn’t care about you or your feelings. They sell happy stories that make money. That’s the business.

Obviously a number of Disney Theme Parks are dotted all over the world now and the strange thing is I really want to go to one. Obviously they can spend millions on attractions every year and they dominate at theming so it’s hard to ignore as a theme park enthusiast. With this, it’s reported that smoking and vaping is banned from select parks and that for me is another thing I can bitch about. I vape but wouldn’t dream of doing it through the main areas of the park. Designated smoking areas should still be present (away from main public areas). This is a minor point but still annoying.

Theres it is. My thoughts on Disney. I don’t want to trigger people on here and I’m not being edgy. I just wanted to share my views.

You all watch vlogs (I assume) so what things literally NEVER get talked about? I mean, there’s so much good shit going on at theme parks that other things get overlooked. Let’s look at the stuff no one ever gives a shit about

WALKING A FUCKING MARATHON

Everyone knows walking around theme parks can kill your legs, especially when you’re queueing 11 hours for Hagrid’s Magical unicycle ride. Even with benches on offer, they are usually taken up by the elderly or parents that have given up their last shit. Theme parks are also relitavely big places so there’s a high chance you will get your steps in. Every time I’ve ever been to a theme park I sit in the car at the end of the day and say without fail “Ooh, that’s better.”

TOILETS

Ahh, the trusty shitter. Why does no one ever talk about restrooms? I mean, some have those futuristic hand driers and others have the 3 in 1 soap/wash/dry stations. No one ever says “The bogs were too pissy” or “That was a glorious emptying of the bowels.”

SMOKING AREAS

For those that love a cheeky ciggie or vape, no one ever mentions these havens of second hand smoke. I mean, they are a part of theme parks and get used a hell of a lot so when am I going to see a top 5 smoking shelter video on YouTube?

PUSHCHAIR CITY

Theres not much to say here but buggy parking is present at every single theme park and gets pushed aside (literally). I have a son who still occasionally uses a buggy and I have to tell you, parents are dicks when it comes to parking them. They block you in etc. It’s theme park road rage out there.

PAIN IN THE ARSE PARKING

Parking is a bitch in so many ways. The queuing to get into the car park, finding a space that’s not too far away but somewhere not close to anyone, when it’s quiet and you find a remote space for the next dickhead to come in and park right next to you, paying for your ticket and the list goes on.

VEGGIE/VEGAN FOOD

Im not veggie or vegan but a fucktonne of people are so why don’t we get any veggie food reviews? I’m guessing they just go for chips and onion rings.

ANNOYING/LOUD FUCKERS

Everywhere has loud people but no one ever talks about those rude people (usually on the rough side) who talk loudly, swear at their kids and make fun of people who are casually enjoying their day. Absolute bellends.

 

*Sorry if I offended the rough people. I’m not looking for any trouble. 😂

Everyone likes a good penis drawing don’t they? Well how about taking it to the next level with TOP 5 RollerCocksters.

5. STEALTH, Thorpe Park.

It is choady in shape but definitely packs a punch from the tip to the base.

4. Xcelerator, Knotts Berry Farm

This is the first hydraulically launched coaster by Intamin and unlike other shong coasters, it actually has a semi decent layout after the top hat.

3. Kingda Ka, Six Flags Great Adventure

Officially biggest pecker in the world but not the best (opinions from enthusiasts) Kingda Ka is a ride that pulls your arse into your throat.

2. Red Force, Portaventura Ferrari Land.

This sosig is the biggest in Europe which features lap bars and a fancy new track design.

1. Top Thrill Dragster, Cedar Point

Known by enthusiasts as the best steel love noodle, TTD used to be the tallest and fastest in the world but was shoved out by Kingda Ka. Luckily TTD still holds the number 1 spot in people’s hearts.