Over 10,000 Theme Park fans have already arrived at Alton Towers, knowing that they will have to pay for 2 days parking.

It is believed that there is a race to be on the first train of the season on the Octonauts Rollercoaster Adventure ride.

Enthusiast Henry Border 21 said “All you bitches better stay back because I’m going to beat all your asses to ride the Rollercoaster adventure.”

Good luck Henry.

 

Disclaimer: This isn’t true so don’t turn up until tomorrow morning please.

We all know Disney are one of the most powerful companies in the world and their purchase of Marvel and Star Wars further cements them as probably the most influential brand of all time.

We have heard from a very important source that Disney want to buy planet Earth and rename it ‘Planet Disney’. The result will mean that our planet will be ruled by king Mickey Mouse and the world government will crumble.

It’s early days yet but information suggests that a deal could go ahead by 2025.

More news as we get it…

 

 

Disclamer: This is a fake story and is created for entertainment purposes only.

It has been confirmed that 28,000 Vloggers will head to Alton Towers this Saturday for opening weekend.

The number which is ironically Alton Towers capacity will be the first test of the season by the popular resort.

Expect to see vlogs on YouTube from Saturday afternoon as content creators battle to be the first one to upload a vlog and get the first flow of views.

We won’t be at Towers this weekend as some of us have to work and it’s not the best place to take kids on what could be the busiest day of the season (well…. so far).

Are you going? Let us know on Twitter.

An angry Theme Park fan has expressed his rage at Disneyland Paris, branding it “A ducking shithole”.

Forum user ILuvHairytoes95 made the statement last night and caused shock across the community.

”People just don’t talk shit about Disney” says user Disnutz14.

Since it’s opening no one has ever said a bad word about Disneyland Paris… until now.

What is your opinion?

 

Disclaimer: This is fake news

It turns out we were all wrong as mega company Merlin Entertainments aren’t actually owned or founded by Merlin the wizard.

Merlin himself said “I am down with the kids but Theme Parks are a different kind of magic. I can turn shit into gold but I can’t magic rollercoasters and dungeon based attractions out of my arse.”

We haven’t reached out to Merlin Entertainments yet but we will have more to this story soon.

 

Disclaimer: This is all made up and is for entertainment purposes only.

Once called ‘The UK Disney’ Project which in fact had absolutely nothing to do with Disney and then later known as ‘Paramount Park’, the site is reported to become a huge car park. This will be a very special car park though because it’s going to be theme park themed.

The site will be constructed over the next 2 years and will feature a Helter skelter Road which will take cars to the different levels and a rollercoaster themed escalator at the pedestrian exit.

Work will be completed in 2021 and will be opened by someone from Love Island (I don’t watch it).

 

Disclamer: This story isn’t real and is intended for entertainment purposes

Have you noticed Shawn Sanbrooke’s love for Hollister clothing? So have we at Unreliable Coaster News UK. Reports have been coming in that the king of the land of theme parks Shawn Sanbrooke has got a sponsorship deal with Hollister to wear their products in 95% of vlogs.

Hayley Spooker who works as a cleaner at Hollister confirmed these findings. “Shawn comes in all the time with his torch and he has the unlimited black card”.

The black card is similar to the Nando’s card which entitles holders to free chicken.

 

 

Disclamer: Fake News

A rollercoaster journalist in the UK has reportedly been struggling to write content because his children won’t calm the frick down and won’t be quiet for a minute.

This is definitely something that can infuriate journalists that are writing from home with children running around, making a mess and well… being children.

Obviously a kick up the arse isn’t an option so if you stumble upon any Theme Park news blogs, please be patient as it’s bloody difficult.

So far it has been a big year for new developments in UK theme parks and this one is surely going to make parents happy.

Drayton Manor are unreliably reported to add Child cages at the park so parents of small children can experience thrill rides such as Apocalypse or Shockwave without having the burden of parenthood hanging over their heads.

Head of Thomas Land Mr Thomas Tank stated “Parents want to experience the rest of the park but children can take the thrill out of a day out at Drayton Manor”.

Not only can they experience the big rides alone but parents can board rides like Troublesome Trucks Runaway Rollercoaster without screaming Ellie spoiling the fun.

 

Article written by Percy Pog

 

 

Disclaimer: This is fake news.

The UK Theme Park committee have decided that instead of ejecting queue jumpers from the park there will be a new rule put into force that will punish those responsible with no less than 3 spanks on the bottom. 

The Chairman Phil Seeker quoted “These little bastards jumping the queue are doing my pissing head in. It’s even worse at PortAventura. It’s about time they got a red raw arse.”

The news broke after a queue jumper decided to cut through the Valhalla line which caused the ride to E-Stop (again).

Blackpool will be the first to roll this out next Saturday with Adventure island following on Sunday.

Article written by Garfield Ransbottom

*Fake news